Within the next week, I scheduled an appointment with the college psychologist to talk. It was the most nerve-wracking day of my life. I was so scared to be judged, to be asked questions I couldn't answer or didn't want to answer. When the therapist came to get me, she told me I looked nervous. But to tell you, I was in fear. Fear of what might become of things I opened up about. What would happen if I let it become a part of my life rather than run from it. And here I am today telling you about it. Because I am no longer afraid.
After a year into a relationship with a man I admire, it had become apparent to me that I wasn't quite over my fear. Fear of the self. Fear of not being enough. Fear of guilt and shame. Every once in a while I would become filled up with these feelings of guilt and shame, then eventually burst. I'd try and find reasons in my head why I felt this way. Was it because I wasn't enough for him, did he really love me like this? THIS being a chronically ill person. THIS being a girl who was sexually harassed by her uncle. THIS being a person who made mistakes often. THIS being a person who was clumsy, quirky, quiet, and odd. THIS person ending up in an abusive relationship for her first relationship. THIS person was not worthy of herself. She had not felt that way, so how could she be worthy to anyone else?
These feelings became my life. It could be anyone or anything I did, guilt would still be there. Guilt and shame led to anxiety, and then spiral into a depression. Which, for many years I thought that depression was the problem. I was person who became depressed on occasions, sometimes for many days. But I wouldn't show it in fear of being pointed out. I hid it until I was able to set it free in college when I first met my therapist. I was with her for two years and I saw her twice a week, every week. For a long time, I hid going to therapy. I finally broke down one day and told a close friend of mine who I trusted and still do. Even though I have told her about my therapy and depression, it still wasn't the whole truth. That fear of the self was still there. Conflicted and confused.
I know a lot of my guilt and shame stems from my childhood. I remember instances and events in which I felt those feelings and anxiety and depression. I thought it was normal then. It was how everyone was and we just go about our day and lives as it was. Until college I didn't know a thing. I began to work on my depression and anxieties with my therapist. She helped me through a lot and helped me channel it through my art. Which at the end of my senior year, I chose to display some very private feelings on paper. Not in words, but pictures. The camera helped me see things in a different way. And I was able to work through the process of not only making the art pieces, but the feelings itself. One piece I surprised me how much I decided to show of those feelings. But it reflected confusion and conflict.
I should have seen then, that my journey wasn't over. After the show, I even ran elsewhere and cried for awhile. Knowing these feelings weren't resolved. Not in the slightest. It was only the beginning.
At some point, I knew that these feelings were real and weren't normal to have all the time, I still let it follow me. The worst thing I could have done was let it follow me into a relationship. The worst kind of relationship. One that was your first. I was dumbfounded and thought I was in love with someone who loved me back. In the long haul, it wasn't love. It was emotional and verbal abuse. I felt used. That's what it came to. Even after we weren't together anymore. It became worse until I left entirely.
Entering into a new relationship a year later, might have been too soon maybe. But it was life saving. I always have a hard time saying that a person came along and took me away from hurt and pain. But this person had. And it's the man I admire today. Even if weren't romantically involved, I would still thank him for being there when I really needed a hand. Going back to this, THIS being the fear of myself. I had to face it in a new light. A light I needed to be turned back on for me to deal with it. The point in which I decided that I needed to deal with it, was when I was contemplating whether I should be in a relationship where I felt guilty and not enough. I wanted to hide again. Even from the person I loved most. I was afraid of it messing up my life with this person. And my own life. How it would affect others.
But this man, took my hand and showed me a whole other way of living I wasn't use to. Nor understood. I didn't understand why there wasn't constant consequences, faults pointed out, or shamed for being myself or sharing my thoughts. To him, I am enough regardless of everything. I was showed that it was okay. It was okay to make mistakes and learn from them without feeling ashamed or guilty. And if I did, to work through those feelings that hurt me.
It's what guilt holds me to. Fear. Fear of myself. Fear of not being enough.
But I am enough. And I will continue and try to fight these feelings instead of running.