What's going on in my head?

This is is a thing now......after some months with my therapist, she's come across PTSD as my main diagnosis and MDD on the side. And it sucks A LOT. Especially triggers. Working on myself has been harder than ever, but I'm going to get there. Dammit, I don't care.


~


Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a complex disorder that can be hard to understand if you haven’t experienced it first-hand so there are things that people with PTSD want you to know. Even those of us who suffer from it sometimes have difficulty explaining it to others. We don’t all have the same PTSD symptoms, and we don’t all respond to the same kinds of PTSD treatment. However, while there can be a lot of differences in the way people with PTSD respond to past traumas and to their recovery, there is one thing that I think most of us can agree on: we wish others could better understand PTSD and the feelings and behaviors that come with it. Here are 10 things that people with PTSD want you to understand.


What People with PTSD Want You to Understand about PTSD

1.We are not weak. Suffering from PTSD as a result of trauma is not a mental weaknessor moral failing. Rather, it is a result of some traumatic thing that happened to us. The fact that some people develop PTSD after a traumatic event, and some people don’t, really has no correlation to the person’s physical, mental, or emotional strength.
2.We are not all combat veterans. PTSD can be caused by any type of trauma, not just the horrors of war. Physical, sexual, emotional, or any other kind of abuse, can cause it as well as things like car accidents, natural disasters, and illnesses.
3.We don’t always look like the people with PTSD on TV and in movies. People with PTSD are often portrayed in TV and films as rage-filled, flashback-having, anxiety-riddled lunatics. While anger,flashbacks, and anxiety are certainly symptoms of PTSD, many of us have learned how to deal with those things through therapy, medication, and support.
4.We did not ask for the trauma that caused our PTSD. Someone suffering from PTSD is not to blame for having the disorder. We were victims of trauma who developed the disorder as a result. The trauma wasn’t our fault, and having PTSD isn’t our fault either.
5.We don’t always know what will trigger us and why. Because being triggered can be caused by just about anything — a sight, smell, sound, movie, television show, place, picture, and the list goes on — we don’t always know which things are going to have a negative effect on us. It is also true that something we encounter may trigger us one time, but not the next. At times, it’s like dodging bullets and you have no idea which direction they are coming from.
6.We have scars, but they are often invisible. The scars left by PTSD-inducing trauma aren’t always observable. Many times the wounds left by trauma are emotional, spiritual, and mental. Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there.
7.We know that sometimes our reactions and feelings are illogical, but knowing that doesn’t always help. Being triggered, anxious, or depressed as a result of PTSD is sometimes quite irrational in relation to the situation. Many times, we know this, intellectually. That knowledge, though, doesn’t make the irrational feelings go away.
8.We cannot just “get over it.” PTSD has physical symptoms; it affects our bodies, not just our minds. 9.Telling someone with PTSD to “get over it” is like telling someone with epilepsy to “get over” having seizures. It doesn’t work.
10.We want you around, even when we don’t act like it. Sometimes we want to isolate and withdraw from daily life. That doesn’t always mean that we want to be alone, though. We may feel comforted by just being in the same room with you, even if there is no interaction.
11. We need for you to believe in our recovery. Recovery from, or at least management of, PTSD is possible, but it doesn’t always feel that way to us. Having support from you and seeing that you believe we can recover is the best thing you can do for us.

Self Love Improvements

Since starting the new year, I've been working on my self love and self care; physically and mentally. I started off going to the gym with my boyfriend and working on my endurance and muscle mass. After having POTS and my other chronic illnesses, my muscles have deteriorated over time of diagnosis, treatments, and coping. The gym really helped me feel good again, regardless of the pain that came with it. I had a few minor POTS episodes but was able to catch them before I passed out by laying on the floor with my legs up.

However, since my boyfriend has developed some sort of unknown health condition of his own, we've stopped going together cause he kept an eye on me at the gym. So, I picked up aqua therapy at Allied Services. I have a therapist that watches me as I exercise in the pool. It feels amazing being in 90 degree water, the only downside is POTS. It helps with the fibro pain, not so much with conditioning and building endurance. And the heat of the pool sometimes makes it hard to do the exercises or stay in the pool for too long. As of now, I keep it to a minimum, but would like to get back to the gym because I feel like that has done the most help.

And as a side note, being on my gluten free diet for about 6 months now as improved my stomach and my POTS episodes. It's also helped the amount of tension headaches I have on a weekly basis. I know when I eat too much gluten and cheat that I'll usually have a headache.

Finally, my mental health has improved greatly since 6 months ago and to be frank, probably the best it's been in years. I've have a proper diagnosis and proper treatment with an amazing therapist. We've been working on a lot of issues and on myself as a person. It also helps to have an amazing boyfriend who's been supportive on my mental journey as well. He's put up with the random breakdowns and irrational thoughts I have with MDD. (Major Depressive Disorder)

Below I have a few links to things that have helped me on my mental health journey and self love. They have been a blessing to me!

Building Self Esteem

Overcoming Guilt and Self Punishment

Practicing Self Love

More Self Love

Self love, Self love, Self love

Try this challenge! 

And make a list of things that make you happy! 

Where am I and what am I doing?

I'm back in PA and working as a screen printer still. It's nice to back in familiar places and around people of comfort. Moving around is always stressful and exhausting. It's rather hard to live in an apartment still considering my conditions and being able to work. I was hoping by this time I would hear back from disability but I haven't. It's a horrible and long process. I can't say how tired I am of this whole thing. I wish it could be sorted and finished.

However, being back in PA and focusing on myself. I've been able to keep my POTS under control and start becoming strong again. Also thanks to figuring out my gluten intolerance, I've been feeling better all over. I've been able to do more and eat without getting sick. It's improved my way of life. I've started going to the gym as well to work on my legs and endurance like the cardiologist told me. It's going to help me get stronger and be able to do more without getting so tired quickly. It'll also help me from passing out so easily. Because it's pumping my blood upward. I started at the end of December working out and I've definitely noticed a difference so far! I've got muscle building again! It also helps me with my job and standing for longer periods of time. The only downside is my Fibromyaliga acting up and hating me for working out. But it gets better as I go. I'm just sore all the time.

I've also picked up therapy again and have the best therapist I've ever had and it's been lovely!

ALL THE FEELS

"It’s easy to feel uncared for when people aren’t able to communicate and connect with you in the way you need. And it’s so hard not to internalize that silence as a reflection on your worth. But the truth is that the way other people operate is not about you. Most people are so caught up in their own responsibilities, struggles, and anxiety that the thought of asking someone else how they’re doing doesn’t even cross their mind. They aren’t inherently bad or uncaring — they’re just busy and self-focused. And that’s okay. It’s not evidence of some fundamental failing on your part. It doesn’t make you unloveable or invisible. It just means that those people aren’t very good at looking beyond their own world. But the fact that you are — that despite the darkness you feel, you have the ability to share your love and light with others — is a strength. Your work isn’t to change who you are; it’s to find people who are able to give you the connection you need. Because despite what you feel, you are not too much. You are not too sensitive or too needy. You are thoughtful and empathetic. You are compassionate and kind. And with or without anyone’s acknowledgment or affection, you are enough."


Daniell Koepke (via ephemeraire)





#pertainstomylifetoomuch 

Self Love Challenge Day 12!

Day 12: Turn Your Cell Phone Off

Now for some of you, you know that I've converted back to a basic phone. Today's challenge wasn't much of one for me. I decided this back in August to get rid of my iphone because I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't stand how consumed everyone around me was with their phones. (AND not to mention I was starting to do the same) It still bugs the crap out of me. And it makes me even more bugged when I'm trying to spend time with a loved one and their stuck to their phone. Quality time can't be re-done. That moment is here and gone and I'll never get that time back. 

Original Post to Ditching the Smartphone

So here is to self love and precious time. I only use my phone anymore for phone calling or texting. I have no web or data for that matter. Not to mention, it's cheaper and better for my mental health! 

~

After this 12 day challenge I do feel like I have better grasp on myself and I can be who I am. It was definitely a challenge to remind myself not to hate or be rough on myself. I slipped a couple times, bu  I believe the more I practice the better I'll get! 

Self Love Challenge Day 11

Day 11: Create and Recite a Mantra

"I am worthy. I am enough. I am loved. " 

Other mantras to try....

Self Love Challenge Day 10

I've actually kept up with this thing and I haven't had a complete break down since before Christmas.  I still tear up every couple of days, but go me! 

Self Love Challenge Day 9

Day 9: Compliment Others

I don't know if this is a thing that I think about, more than just do. I genuinely like to tell others how I feel about them (positively) and I know telling them will brighten their day because it does mine when someone compliments myself. 

Self Love Challenge Day 8

Day 8: Don't Compare Yourself to Others

This is one of the things I have the hardest time doing. I always think, what if? Or if I did this would it be better? But I'm coming to the conclusion that who I am and what I do is me. I can better my flaws but overall I'm me. I have a hard time thinking if people like me or want to be around me. It always wears me down and makes me feel horrible. But I want to stop that. I want to love myself for who I am and let people love me for who I am. 

Those who do, I know they are genuine. Self love leads to others respecting you for who you are.

Self Love Challenge Day 7

Day 7: Reward Yourself for Being Fantastic

Well, today I have another interview, but before that I went to the grocery store....and I decided to get some new eyeliner that I've wanted for like a year now. So I treated myself and I plan on having a nice bubble bath later tonight! 

Self Love Challenge Day 6

Day 6: Be Proud of Yourself

Usually, house work and errands are rough on my body. But thanks to working out again in the gym, I can tell I'm getting stronger. Today I was able to clean TWO bathrooms, vacuum, and drop off Goodwill Donations! I'm not too worn out either. It's definitely an improvement from three years ago! I'm coming up to my "Spoonie"/POTS diagnosis anniversary soon. It'll be four years since my proper diagnosis....and even though it's taken time. I can tell I'm getting stronger and I'm proud of my body for fighting this! 

Self Love Challenge Day 5

Day 5: Do Something That Makes You Happy 

Today I took an hour out of my day to read. I love reading and lately I didn't have the time to or the want because I was so stressed out. But today, I took the time to sit with the dogs and my book. It was "me" time and I look forward to more of that time.  

Self Love Challenge Day 4

Day 4: Write Something Nice To Yourself

Dear Self,

I know this year has been rough, but you're doing a great job even if it doesn't feel like it. If anything, it's taught you to love yourself and respect yourself more. And to not let others treat you less than you deserve. You are a strong, smart, and creative human being. Don't stop.

Love, 

Me 

Self Love Challenge Day 2 and 3

Day 2: Most time I tend to smile at others. Probably awkwardly or shy-ly. But I do none the less. Either when then open a door for me, or let me ahead in line, or if they're just walking by. And vice versa....I had a man dressed as Santa this year try to make me smile when I was down walking around in the mall. And I couldn't help but give in. Smiling can be amazing thing! 

Day 3: Compliment myself. Well, one thing that I've been working towards lately is driving better. Yep driving. I hate it and I'm not that great at it. I think it's because I never really properly learned and had too many teachers at once. Plus my phobia was very present when I started driving and now I'm less afraid and able to focus on being a better driver. And just yesterday, I thought, hey "I think I'm doing better with this"....and well my bf and his dad agreed. So if they agree, then I must be getting better. So cheers to me! 

Self Love Challenge Day 1

Smiling in the mirror. Mirror's are my least favourite thing in the world and so is looking at myself. But getting to know me and love me, I guess I shouldn't be afraid of myself. Afraid of what I see and don't like or do like. 

The things I don't like mostly: Acne/skin

It's terrible and makes me feel ugly most of the time. And it's something I've always had and has never gone away. I've tried to make friends with it, but other times I just hate it. 

Things I do like: My blue eyes and thick curly hair 

I love the colour of my eyes and how they can be amazing whether I'm wearing contacts or glasses. And my hair is pretty. Even if it can be a pain to tame. But that's just curly hair for you. 

Resolutions (August Edition)

As per every year, August is time for Resolutions! Here is a comparison from last year: 

Now to move on the Resolutions of being 25! 

OMG I'M GOING TO BE 25 IN 3 DAYS! To be honest, it doesn't really scare me that I'm half way to 30. I've come pretty far since then. I've been through a lot and I've experienced a lot of life. I'm thankful for what I have lived thus far:

1. I've had the most amazing influential grandmother til the age of 16. I wish I could have had her longer to guide me into adult life. But even though she's been gone, she's always been around for me. 

2. I got to be a ballerina for 18 years! Who gets to say that? Not just anyone. 

3. I've made the most amazing friends that I call family. 

4. I've moved around and got to visit amazing places that's shaped my life as it is today.

5. I've was FINALLY diagnosed with my illness! Sounds crazy to be happy about that, but it's nice knowing rather than guessing.

6. I've developed a very sophisticated taste for music...I like to thank many people for that...YOU know you are! ;) 

7. I got to go to college for art. It's cool but not needed. 

8. And well, I'm still alive. Which is good. 

Now to resolutions: 

In the past it's been all about paying off loans and medical bills, traveling and careers. They were good things to wanted to accomplish. But I think this year it'll be different. I need a bit self  therapy. Though looking back at last year, I've paid all my medical bills off! WOOOO!!! I've dabbled myself back into a career regarding art. I'm gonna stay here from now on, in the artsy world. And I have finally moved out of PA! To an unforeseen state, but it's New York STATE! How can I complain? 

1. Self Love

This means many things. No more being mean to myself. Working on the self esteem and happiness with in myself. I'm even going to create a memory jar to put a note of confidence in each day. I have to write how I'm feeling each day and place it into that jar. And by next year I can open it and see how well I've done. 

2. Engage 

Engaging in reading more often. Engaging in music. Engaging in the world around me. No more being attached to a phone or technology. (I've failed to let that habit get to me in the last few years. And I've never been that kind of person before). Here's to getting back to me. 

3. Truth

As in the Moulin Rouge, uphold truth. And out of truth comes, beauty, freedom and love. Being true to oneself, to another and life. If there is truth then there will be happiness in oneself. 

~

Now for the party to begin! 

Fear in Me

In recent self discovery and enlightenment, I come to an awakening in myself. Lately, I have been having many struggles with my feelings and emotions from the habits of stress and life...and health. It's been a hard couple of years. Since my junior year of college, I've been conflicted and confused on my feelings and emotions. I never knew how to deal with them or what I was feeling. I'd cry, I'd hurt myself, I'd hide and run away. I kept it from everyone I knew. Until one day, a mutual college friend, asked me about the dream I had that night and my emotions just erupted. I vomited words all over the place and didn't know how to catch them from falling into someone else's hands. But she was kind and compassionate. She recommended me to see a therapist. I was stunned but never have I felt so sure about that in my life....until that day.

Within the next week, I scheduled an appointment with the college psychologist to talk. It was the most nerve-wracking day of my life. I was so scared to be judged, to be asked questions I couldn't answer or didn't want to answer. When the therapist came to get me, she told me I looked nervous. But to tell you, I was in fear. Fear of what might become of things I opened up about. What would happen if I let it become a part of my life rather than run from it. And here I am today telling you about it. Because I am no longer afraid.

After a year into a relationship with a man I admire, it had become apparent to me that I wasn't quite over my fear. Fear of the self. Fear of not being enough. Fear of guilt and shame. Every once in a while I would become filled up with these feelings of guilt and shame, then eventually burst. I'd try and find reasons in my head why I felt this way. Was it because I wasn't enough for him, did he really love me like this? THIS being a chronically ill person. THIS being a girl who was sexually harassed by her uncle. THIS being a person who made mistakes often. THIS being a person who was clumsy, quirky, quiet, and odd. THIS person ending up in an abusive relationship for her first relationship. THIS person was not worthy of herself. She had not felt that way, so how could she be worthy to anyone else?

These feelings became my life. It could be anyone or anything I did, guilt would still be there. Guilt and shame led to anxiety, and then spiral into a depression. Which, for many years I thought that depression was the problem. I was person who became depressed on occasions, sometimes for many days. But I wouldn't show it in fear of being pointed out. I hid it until I was able to set it free in college when I first met my therapist. I was with her for two years and I saw her twice a week, every week. For a long time, I hid going to therapy. I finally broke down one day and told a close friend of mine who I trusted and still do. Even though I have told her about my therapy and depression, it still wasn't the whole truth. That fear of the self was still there. Conflicted and confused.

I know a lot of my guilt and shame stems from my childhood. I remember instances and events in which I felt those feelings and anxiety and depression. I thought it was normal then. It was how everyone was and we just go about our day and lives as it was. Until college I didn't know a thing. I began to work on my depression and anxieties with my therapist. She helped me through a lot and helped me channel it through my art. Which at the end of my senior year, I chose to display some very private feelings on paper. Not in words, but pictures. The camera helped me see things in a different way. And I was able to work through the process of not only making the art pieces, but the feelings itself. One piece I surprised me how much I decided to show of those feelings. But it reflected confusion and conflict.

I should have seen then, that my journey wasn't over. After the show, I even ran elsewhere and cried for awhile. Knowing these feelings weren't resolved. Not in the slightest. It was only the beginning. 

At some point, I knew that these feelings were real and weren't normal to have all the time, I still let it follow me. The worst thing I could have done was let it follow me into a relationship. The worst kind of relationship. One that was your first. I was dumbfounded and thought I was in love with someone who loved me back. In the long haul, it wasn't love. It was emotional and verbal abuse. I felt used. That's what it came to. Even after we weren't together anymore. It became worse until I left entirely. 

Entering into a new relationship a year later, might have been too soon maybe. But it was life saving.  I always have a hard time saying that a person came along and took me away from hurt and pain. But this person had. And it's the man I admire today. Even if weren't romantically involved, I would still thank him for being there when I really needed a hand. Going back to this, THIS being the fear of myself. I had to face it in a new light. A light I needed to be turned back on for me to deal with it. The point in which I decided that I needed to deal with it, was when I was contemplating whether I should be in a relationship where I felt guilty and not enough. I wanted to hide again. Even from the person I loved most. I was afraid of it messing up my life with this person. And my own life. How it would affect others. 

But this man, took my hand and showed me a whole other way of living I wasn't use to. Nor understood. I didn't understand why there wasn't constant consequences, faults pointed out, or shamed for being myself or sharing my thoughts. To him, I am enough regardless of everything. I was showed that it was okay. It was okay to make mistakes and learn from them without feeling ashamed or guilty. And if I did, to work through those feelings that hurt me. 

It's what guilt holds me to. Fear. Fear of myself. Fear of not being enough. 

But I am enough. And I will continue and try to fight these feelings instead of running.