Forgetting to take my medication yesterday morning left me in a mind trap of my own doing.
(it helps when you take your medication)
Whilst in my trap of hating everything and feeling depressed, I've only came to think "what am I doing with my life?" Will I ever be able to do anything? Career-wise that is. I'm in an ever-evolving realization that I won't be able to be what I want or do what I've imagined for years. It's the only thing that ever gave me a reason to strive. But, now what?
I went to an all women's college, which was empowering and made me think I was going places. But after getting sicker, it only seems like college was a waste of time.
The library setting fit me really well, but it's a hard job to get. And I love being an artist, but that's kind of a hard job to make a living off of. Working in retail again lately has me in the dumps thinking I'll get past anything more. Especially with an illness. I can barely work the hours I have now. Which sucks because I fear I'll lose my job over my illness, constantly.
I swear it's the reason why my job at the library dwindled.
~
Now I'm here, preparing to move to another state and I hope that it'll give me some life. I already feel guilty not being able to hold up my end of the stick in the relationship I'm in. I can't work nearly as hard enough as my partner to make a living. And I wish I could do more.
I hate feeling like I've lost everything that made me, me. And couldn't keep at least a part of it.